Tuesday, May 18, 2004

errr, jac, if you're looking at this, hopefully haloscna has started working.
if not... you'll have to teach me when i'm back.

and everyone, i've passed driving!!!! :]
late night suppers, here i come. :]

in the meantime, loneliness.
there's no cure for a heartbreak, well, least not an efficacious one.
watching my friends being so in love with each other just reminds me of what i no longer have.

i can't adequately describe the feeling of watching couples.
it's like the power of focus.
and your memory being extended way beyond what you could have ever imagined.

stretching the five senses, you recall his distinctive peachy scent, you recollect images of how it felt like to run your hands through his hair, you remember how deepset the windows of his soul looked like, how much thought goes into them, how his deep growly voice sounds like when he tries to make you laugh, and errr, how he tastes. :]
well, not so much the last, coz the taste of your last meal covers that up. :]

and THEN comes the avalanche.
you dwell on the little details of the love that was, then the upheaval of the hurt that is falls upon you like a snow shower early on a sunday morning in the middle of spring (c.f. earlier entry).

amplifies the loss.
realize what transcendence between the physical and the spiritual when emotional pain is somehow manifest in my nervous system.
every muscle is tense when the world reeks of love.
a constant, drudging reminder of the loss that you had taken.
the scars that you have to bear.
the baggage that is chained to you.

and knowing that it will eventually, just eventually go away, isn't enough.
in fact, it cuts it deeper.
coz you know you can get out of it, but how? when?
and in the hanging meantime, you suffer with the knowledge.

love, to save us from it all
mandible of life
seizes us into the depth.


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