anarchistic brain
emotional cynicism
physical drainage

errr, jac, if you're looking at this, hopefully haloscna has started working.
if not... you'll have to teach me when i'm back.

and everyone, i've passed driving!!!! :]
whoohooooo!
late night suppers, here i come. :]

in the meantime, loneliness.
there's no cure for a heartbreak, well, least not an efficacious one.
watching my friends being so in love with each other just reminds me of what i no longer have.

i can't adequately describe the feeling of watching couples.
it's like the power of focus.
and your memory being extended way beyond what you could have ever imagined.

stretching the five senses, you recall his distinctive peachy scent, you recollect images of how it felt like to run your hands through his hair, you remember how deepset the windows of his soul looked like, how much thought goes into them, how his deep growly voice sounds like when he tries to make you laugh, and errr, how he tastes. :]
well, not so much the last, coz the taste of your last meal covers that up. :]
("sure.")

and THEN comes the avalanche.
you dwell on the little details of the love that was, then the upheaval of the hurt that is falls upon you like a snow shower early on a sunday morning in the middle of spring (c.f. earlier entry).

hurt.
amplifies the loss.
realize what transcendence between the physical and the spiritual when emotional pain is somehow manifest in my nervous system.
every muscle is tense when the world reeks of love.
a constant, drudging reminder of the loss that you had taken.
the scars that you have to bear.
the baggage that is chained to you.

and knowing that it will eventually, just eventually go away, isn't enough.
in fact, it cuts it deeper.
coz you know you can get out of it, but how? when?
and in the hanging meantime, you suffer with the knowledge.

love, to save us from it all
mandible of life
seizes us into the depth.

mull, mull, mull.
and not mull and cider, but melancholy-mull.

i'm surprised that i feel a kind of emptiness at the end of my art metal class.
it feels strange to not have something to worry over, not have something tangible to work on (perpetually) and not to have my professor breathing down my neck.

yesterday was the last session of art metal (probably forever, for me) and being the third-last person to go see him with my pieces, i gradually accumulated this sense of despair at not having the class anymore. forever.

i love this class.
it was so frustrating, so trying, so time-consuming, so filled with grief at having melted a piece, crammed with life experiences i never would have thought possible in my educational lifetime.
of course, i'm not discounting the fact that another class may surpass this, but as far as i see it, that's not very likely to happen.

fred fenster is a wonderful and brilliant professor.
i'll try my best to describe him, but it's not going to be anywhere even sufficient to fully explain the entirety of his passion.
he personifies metal.
he treats it as an equal, not as a subservient piece of art work.
his attitude and work ethic have impressed me to no end, and his frankness is refreshing.
he is one professor who is such a perfectionist, and his so hard on his students but harder on himself.
he was a self-taught metalworker and then went to grad school for a professional degree.

i have learnt patience, most of all.
to control this fiery impetuous nature of mine, which seemed beyond me.
i have learnt that in art, and in many other things, there IS no undo button, no "backspace", no "refresh".
it yields instantaneous results, which could mean immediate gratification or immediate failure.
so many times, especially with the computers, there's always backup, there's always system restore, there's always some painless way to go back.
this makes so many of us (me esp) complacent about our work, which bears severe repercussions on whatever else we might do.
this prevailing attitude of "undo" cannot enter the realm of relationships, cannot be allowed to undermine the quality of the first draft.

ahwell.
being pensive, once more.
:]
take it easy folks.
i should try to type without backspacing or deleting in my next blog.
attitude of perfection.
til then. :]

WHAT THE HECK.
it SNOWED this morning, SNOWED!!
geeeez.
this is supposed to be mild springtime, dudes.
whassssssssup with this.

i went out to the recycling bin to put the unwanted paper stuff in... in shorts.
the beautiful sunny weather outside my window had been SO deceiving (by this time it had stopped snowing).

but actually, it's seriously gorgeous outside.
sun's out, the tree right outside my window is budding, the sky's an azure blue, all the good stuff.

AND, i have to study for chemistry indoors. bummer.
i wanted to go study by the lake (also a lovely place) but at the current temperature i don't think i'd be so inclined to. :]
i hope it gets warmer as the week goes by.
i don't wanna fly out of madison in the cold, moving luggage with cold-bitten fingers isn't the most ideal situation.

have currently mixed feelings about the upcoming summer holidays.
87% of me wants desperately to go home, but the other 13% is a little bit disinclined to.
i will miss madison, that's for sure, but mostly the people i hang out with.

i'm not not so affable terms with soren at the current moment, but, what the heck, i really don't think the onus is on my head right now.

i am, however, looking forward to my coming few days of serenity and solitude in NYC (going to meet evelyn whoohoo! and spend the rest of the time alone with my thoughts).
and also, i think my attachment at EDB will prove to be overall fun :] even though i'm certain that there will be bits when i'm frustrated to my wits' end.

ok, back to epoxidation and williamson syntheses.

(joke time: say it out loud, it's not gonna be funny if you just read it.)
why is there no aspirin in the forest?
because... the parrots-eat-them-all.
get it?
:]

will post the why-it's-supposed-to-be-funny next time, if i remember.