A poem I read in my Bioethics class on Bod-Mod (body modification).
We're dealing with policies and stuff now, whether the government ought to pay for things of 'medical necessity,' which in itself is such a grossly vague term.


Lucy Sherak
Two years ago, I was thrust into the frightening world of the breast cancer patient. I began a journal to record the events and feelings of this world, and a year later, I found myself writing intense, angry poetry. I have found in my poetry expression for my rage and fear and grief and hope. "Breast Envy" was written on an airplane. I was rflecting on the pain I had felt at the loss of my breast and the strength I felt--and still feel--as a woman in the battlefield with her comrades. I was feeling cocky and sure of myself.


Breast Envy
by Lucy Sherak

I have become an observer of women's breasts
Noting the symmetry, shape and naturalness
The large woman seated next to me on the airplane
Ample bosoms inflated grotesquely
by air blowing from the overhead vent
On the screen
the movie actress
has perky little hooters
under her modest blouse
My hat tilts rakishly to the right
as does my bustline
My shirt stretched tight
to best advantage
semi-bare one-sided busted chest

Four months after my mastectomy
I went shopping for a new bra
Choking on tears
breast envy and grieving
In every woman
I saw the firm, droopy, round, shapely
Paired breasts
It was so damn hard
I was the circus freak
The left-over devastation
of a personal and shameful war
And the temporary cotton prosthesis
kept climbing up my shoulder
like a misshapen growth
Later a large silicone "breast form" lay securely against my ribs
under my thick mastectomy bra
Pulling heavily on my shoulder
Jiggling when I walked
And every evening
a new surgery
as I removed the body-warmed quivering mass

Audre Lorde said that
when women hide their mastectomies
they lose the ability to identify with each other
and form alliances

I wear a button saying "Cancer Sucks"
in place of my absent breast
And the silicone "breast form" lies motionless
in the back of my drawer.

WOW.

i am the minority here.
and it was so odd, being the minority amidst a minority group.

was doing fund-raising at the *tailgating parties around campus parking lots with some other gospel choir folk so we can have enough money to pay for our transport around to places for concerts and stuff.

*tailgating party = collective term for a cluster of gathered together for a raucous, beer-guzzling, brat-sizzling time. 'sconsin fans (or fans of other teams--i'm faithful to the wisconsin badgers!) like to bbq outside while the weather's still awesome (some are crazy enough to brave winters) and cheer for the team as they listen to the game commentators i.e. laid-back supporters.

we were giving out Lawry's steak sauce and seasoning salt, coupons for the aforementioned meat-stuff, GoldToe socks (what the heck--pple got free GoldToe socks if they were wearing a pair, as if they needed more of the atrocious stuff) and tailgating brochures (containing recipes and whatnot.)

at any rate, it was so odd initially coz we were supposed to go in pairs but i knew close to no one there and i was resigned to asking this pair of girls if i could join em. now, that was oddity #1.

#2 was just slipping into the lingo of the african-american, hiphop generation-style.
"ya'll hit tha' crowd yeaaat?"
"oooooh, people DIG that steak sauce."
"i kin't get nobody to take these brochures (br-oh-shoo-ers)."

there was more, but trying to recollect now is making me forget haha.

it was cool ("k-ool"--note sharp "k" sound) though, slowly warming up and talkin to them.
AND I SAW A '75 CORVETTE, BABY!!
it was so so sweet.
the couple who owned it got married in '75, hence the car (what a wedding present.)

all in all, we minorities are nice folks, i'd think ("thank") :]

and in case you get me wrong, i LOVE the way they speak.
coz they don't fall into the same trap i do, speaking white-american english when i converse with an american, even one i'm personally close to, like soren and ben.

it's getting better though :] i can speak *gasp* SINGLISH (rather, no-american slang english) with soren and ben, on rare occasions. i DON'T discard my grammar ("when are this due?"), i say three, not "treeee," when i mean three BUT i do use a smattering of my lah's and lor's :]

oooh jac i'm just grabbing this offa yer bloggums. :]

Bold what you've done, italicize what you want to do.

01. Buy everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swim with wild dolphins
03. Climb a mountain
04. Take a Ferrari for a test drive
05. See the Pyramids at night
06. Hold a tarantula
07. Take a candlelit bath with someone
08. Say 'I love you' and mean it
09. Hug a tree
10. Do a striptease
11. Do a bungee or parachute jump
12. Visit Paris
13. Watch a lightning storm at sea
14. Clean behind the fridge
15. Stay up all night long, and watch the sun rise.
16. Ask a question you've always been too embarrassed to ask.
17. See the Northern Lights
18. Go to a huge sports game - football, rugby, baseball, American football, etc
19. Create your own masterpiece
20. Grow and eat your own vegetables.
21. Touch an iceberg.
22. Have an office relationship
23. Sleep under the stars
24. Compromise
25. Change a baby's nappy/diaper
26. Take a trip in a hot air balloon
27. Watch a meteor shower
28. Get drunk on champagne
29. Take a luxury holiday
30. Give more than you can afford to charity
31. Look up at the night sky through a telescope
32. Have an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
33. Have a food fight
34. Bet on a winning horse
35. Take a sick day when you're not ill
36. Get a pet
37. Ask a stranger out
38. Have a snowball fight
39. Photocopy your bottom on the office photocopier
40. Scream as loudly as you possibly can
41. Hold a lamb
42. Enact a favorite fantasy
43. Take a midnight skinny dip
44. Hear the words 'I love you'
45. Fly on Concorde
46. Take an ice cold bath
47. Have a meaningful conversation with a beggar.
48. See a total eclipse
49. Ride a roller coaster
50. Hit a home run
51. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
52. Dance like a fool and not care who's looking
53. Adopt an accent for an entire day
54. Visit the birthplace of your ancestors
55. Have a grand romance with costumes and everything
56. Made up a screenname to stalk someone.
57. Go shopping for no reason.
58. Actually feel happy about your life, even for just a moment.
59. Just be held
60. Have an adventure where nothing goes as planned.
61. Kissed someone you truly wanted to kiss
62. Went clubbing and thought to yourself "I could out-dance them if I wanted to"
63. Called your relatives by their relationship
64. Have two hard drives for your computer
65. Cuddled
66. Visited all 50 states
67. Love your job
68. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
69. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
70. Have amazing friends
71. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
72. Swim during a formal
73. Stolen a sign
74. Backpacked in Europe
75. Taken a road-trip
76. Rock climbing (ubin counts?)
77. Nose piercing
78. Midnight walk on the beach
78. Sky diving
80. Visit Ireland
81. Saw what you wanted and did all it took to seize it.
82. Fell in love then fell harder and faster from heartbreak.
83. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had lunch/ dinner with them.
84. Visit and/or tour Japan.
85. Benchpress your own weight.
86. Stolen from your parents
87. Alphabatized your records and books.
89. Pretended to be a superhero
90. Sang karaoke
91. Made someone cry for no good reason
92. Lounged around in bed all day.
93. Posed nude in front of a room full of strangers.
94. Dressed sexy for no reason.
95. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
96. Kissed in the rain
97. Played in the mud
98. Played in the rain
99. Gone to a drive-in theater
100. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it...
101. Visited the Great Wall of China
102. Fell in love with a job that has nothing to do with the degree you're pursuing
103. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog.
104. Dropped Windows in favor of something better.
105. Started a business.
106. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken.
107. Toured ancient sites around the Mediterranean
108. Taken karate.
109. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
110. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight.
111. Gotten married
112. Been in a movie.
113. LARPed
114. Loved someone you shouldn't have.
115. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy.
116. Gotten divorced
117. Had sex at the office
118. Surprised yourself with a talent you didn't know you had
119. Been to Macchu Picchu
120. Gone without food for 5 days
121. Never left the continental United States.
122. Made cookies from scratch.
123. Won first prize in a costume contest.
124. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
125. Gotten a tattoo
126. Got another tattoo the next day because you didn't feel balanced
127. Find that the texture of some materials can turn you on
128. Rafted the Snake River
129. Blazed it up at Burning Man
130. Gotten flowers for no reason. Just for coming home.
131. Masturbated in a public place.
132. Gotten so drunk you don't remember anything.
133. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug.
134. Traveled the world.
135. Performed onstage with a famous symphony orchestra
136. Been to Las Vegas
137. Met Madonna
138. Recorded music
139. Eaten Shark or Octopus
140. Had a one night stand
141. Gone to Thailand
142. Had the courage to speak your mind
144. Bought a house
145. Earned my degree
146. Broke my neck
147. Been in a combat zone
148. Buried my father
149. Earned a *living* through my creativity
151. Had my pubic hair waxed off
152. Been on a cruise ship
153. Speak more than one language fluently
154. Worn see-through clothes in public
155. Bounced a check
156. Performed in Rocky Horror
157. Moved over 1000 miles by yourself
158. Been to art school
159. Read - and understood - your credit report
160. Raised children.
161. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
162. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
163. Created and named your own constellation of stars
164. Bucked stigma or trends to follow your heart
165. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
166. Found out something significant that your ancestors did.
167. Called or written your Congressman
168. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
169. ...more than once?
170. Run the Golden Gate Bridge
171. Sang loudly in the car and didn't stop when you know someone was looking.
172. Had plastic surgery
173. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
174. Wrote articles for a large publication
175. Lost over 100 pounds
176. Held someone while they were having a flashback
177. Flown an airplane
178. Petted a stingray
179. Broken someone's heart.
180. Helped an animal give birth
181. Been fired or laid off from a job you loved.
182. Won money on a T.V. game show.
183. Broken a bone.
184. Killed a human being.
185. Had a threesome (or moresome.)
186. Ridden a motorcycle.
187. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph.
188. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced.
189. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol.
190. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.
191. Ridden a horse.
192. Had major surgery.
193. Had sex on a moving train.
194. Had a snake as a pet.
195. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
196. Slept through an entire flight
197. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of two consecutive days.
198. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
199. Visited all 7 continents.
200. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days.
201. Eaten kangaroo meat.
202. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground.
203. Been a sperm or egg donor.
204. Eaten sushi.
205. Been part of a group that requires secrecy of its members (occult circle, fraternity, Masonic lodge, etc).
206. Maintained 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year
207. Gotten a tattoo to dedicate yourself to your deity of choice
208. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
209. Gotten someone fired for their actions
210. Gone back to school
211. Publically protest something you disagree with.
212. Supported a political party that you believe in (either financially or through support work)
213. Willingly put yourself at risk for another and had it come out well
214. Publically humiliated yourself to the point where you couldn't return somewhere.
215. Re-thought and recanted strongly held beliefs.
216. Refused to regret bad things that happened to you.
217. Gotten through an entire working day without doing any work.
218. Read until 4 a.m., when you needed to be alert the next day.
219. Painted a picture.
220. Created a room that satisfied you and made you feel at home.
221. Laid on an Etruscan tomb.
222. Had a vision
223. Visited the site of Oracle at Delphi
224. Visited Stonehenge
225. Write a scholarly book
227. Built a computer
228. Seen a ghost
229. Met an OL Friend IRL
230. Found your soulmate
231. Dated two people once and have them both be cool with it.
232. Walked through the drivethrough of a fast food place
233. Went to an interview as a larf and actually GOT the job.
234. If you are a girl, got a lap dance; if you are a boy, given one.
235. recently slept with stuffed animal.

brilliant one, jac. :]

a heated conversation (my) last night:
(key: A = fervent atheist, R = me)

[more conversation in front]

A: Road trips are awesome

R: hahah i KNOW goodness i wanna roadtrip up to canada this winter but i don't think my parents'll let me

A: Why not?

R: dangerous, yadda yadda

A: Dangerous?Haha, how?

R: i dunno, and i suppose it'd be nice if pple go with me but it's such a thin idea as of now so i don't know... slippery roads etc

A: That's bullshit. It's just as safe as driving anywhere else. Highways are actually safer than other roads.

R: hahhahhaha you're prob right

A: No, it's true.

R: thinkin of getting a car, then persuading my parents to come into madison for a coupla days then driving up in time for christmas in vancouver. don't know if we can make it though

A: Why Vancouver?

R: coz we're planning on skiing in whistler, plus visiting my ex-pastor who's currently studying there

A: Cool. Vancouver's a great area. Anywhere in the Pacific Northwest is awesome.

R: hahah why'd you say that??

A: Forests, mountains, the ocean, good liberal-minded people, it's great.

R: hahahhaa some dude asked me on wed if i would like to be a college republican

A: Yeah? Is that you?

R: ?! no waaay, i have no affliliations, i'm afraid

A: Heh, I see. Are you liberal or conservative, though?

R: i honestly don't know, what are the parameters? i dont' wanna commit myself too quick

A: Hah, liberal or conservative are ways of thinking, not groups.

R: true but in which sectors? economically? socially? i'd say liberal, but i don't advocate gay rights

A: Why not?

R: coz i don't believe homosexuality is something a person is born with

A: Hm. I don't understand how you can be any authority on that.

R: hahah books (i don't just mean the bible), but i'm doing book research on any possible genetic basis of homosexuality and there's no credibility in the claims at all

A: Fine, I don't understand why that makes it *wrong*.

R: ah the wrong bit is then coz i believe in the bible, you're obviously free to disagree :]

A: So you believe that it's a sin to wear clothes of more than one fabric? You believe it's a sin to shave your beard? You obviously don't believe those things, but they are in the bible... obviously you're believing in the parts of the bible you WANT to believe in, and homosexuality is something you WANT to believe is wrong. Why?

R: no, the laws in leviticus are contextual, homosexuality is one that stretches across the board from the Old testament to the New

A: That's absolute bullshit.

R: likewise the laws against adultery; hahah choose what you will, that's my stand

A: That's horrible. No, really. I can't believe that.

R: no it's not, why?

A: It's absolutely horrible.

R: ? i'm not intending to burn anyone, dude

A: It's condemning someone for acting in a way which doesn't affect you at all. Isn't the bible all about NOT PASSING JUDGEMENT? It's not up to you to decide whether it's right or wrong, whether you believe in the bible or not. It's NONE OF YOUR CONCERN OR BUSINESS. It does NOT affect you. I absolutely abhor people not allowing homosexuality based on some ancient, badly translated and absolutely apocryphal BOOK.

R: it's the same concern i have for anyone next to me who's stabbing someone

A: Bullshit. Stabbing someone is hurting them, that's plain as day. The ONLY way homosexuality is 'harming' anyone is in a biblical sense and that's threadbare at best.

R: you can abhor me for something i believe in, and i choose to believe because i think from experience and a reasonable amount of logic is true

A: Reasonable amount of logic?!! ANY logic firmly places the bible in the realm of fantasy. You can NOT argue that.

R: no, it doesn't

A: Yes it does. When presented with a fantastical claim (the bible is 'correct', in this case) the burdon of proof lies in the proof, not in the disproval.

R: i don't know how much logic you feel is reasonable, but it obviously far surpasses mine, which is reinforced by personal experience

A: Fantastical claim: God exists. It's not up to ME to DISprove it, it's up to YOU to PROVE it. Otherwise, I could say, "There is a tribe of gigantic moon-beings living at the center of the earth. Prove me wrong!" You can say an infinite number of things that are impossible to disprove.

R: I can't prove that God exists; look, we're coming from 2 different sides of the equation. i come from the assumption that God is real, creation itself screams that. you come form the assumption that God doesn't exist.

A: The logical thing, then, would be to say any claim you make must be PROVEN before DISproven.

R: none of which are backed by personal experience

A: It's not an assumption!

R: sure it is

A: God does not exist. prove he does! You cannot prove the nonexistence of something that does not exist.

R: i cannot prove to you he exists, it's only my duty to tell you he does, you have to seek him yourself!

A: However, you also cannot prove the existence of something that does not exist. See, you're just closed minded. A robot. that's so sad.

R: me? hahaha, no, i have experienced God in ways that are undeniable

A: HAHAHAHA. Oh yeah? Prove it. Until then, I'll deny your undeniable claims.

R: seriously, i don't care that you think of me as a close-minded fogey. haah how would you like me to prove it to you? you won't listen to me. if i could take you into my mind for a while i'd love to. likewise vice versa. i mean, i'd love to peer into your head a bit

A: Psh. You Christians are all the same.

R: hahah i don't think we're all the same, really

A: You are dangerous.

R: ?

A: you are the carrier of a deadly social virus

R: oh piffle. pray tell, how?

A: It's an idealogy based in brain-washing and self-preservatory censoring of both common sense and logical thought. It is destructive of those 'outside of the faith', it is bigoted, and it is unchangeable.

R: no one can force you to believe in what you don't want to

A: If you're programmed from birth they can. And you have been.

R: it's not devoid of common sense

A: There is no escape for you. Because you don't know HOW to escape. You don't posess the brain pathways that would allow you to escape.

R: dude, i can't say with confidence that i'd be a christian had i not been brought up in a christian home, coz there's just NO WAY of knowing! maybe.

A: Of course there isn't, you've been MADE a Christian. You cannot be unmade at the level that you've been programmed.

R: hahah you can't MAKE me a christian

A: It's hardwired into your brain.

R: rubbish

A: The basic structure of your brain makes you a Christian whether you want to be or not, the brainwashing makes it impossible to understand the kinds of arguments which would turn any non-indoctrinated person away from religious belief.

R: i easily step out of the faith if i wanted to, it's a hard life to live to follow PERFECTLY

A: No way. You can't leave. Your brain can't. That's the danger of it. Those who follow it follow it COMPLETELY. If not in action, at least in belief.

R: so you wanna condemn me to my eternal err, mind slavery. now that's what i call being too quick to judge. faith without actions is dead.

A: Normally I wouldn't argue with someone like you, but you said something that makes it worthwhile: when you start to decide that YOU know how OTHERS 'should' live their lives, then you lose absolutely all moral rights. There is NO WAY you can decide that.
Faith is a farce.
Faith with actions is puppetry.

R: no, faith with actions shows you actually believe in it enough to practice what you believe

A: Hah, not in the least. The problem there is that faith is flawed.
Faith requires you to do what you're told. It's following someone else's idea of what is right and wrong, without ANY personal justification other than a vague feeling that it's 'right'.


R: i do not make the decision for people, i only want to inform! if i knew that jumping into an actual bed of roses would hurt you, and you wanted to jump in coz you've heard the proverb 'life is a bed of roses', i'd advise you not to do it coz you'd get hurt!

A: That's a bad analogy.

R: goes back to where you base your faith on

A: No, it's a bad analogy: a bed of roses would PHYSICALLY HARM YOU. Homosexuality harms you where, in the afterlife? It's heresay AT BEST.

R: so MY premise is that God is real, and that the bible is God-inspired. hence, i follow. the reason i believe is because of personal experience

A: That's not a premise!!!!

R: i've never jumped into a bed of roses, i still know it's gonna hurt. i base it on what i believe in; sure it is a premise

A: No! Any basic premise must rest on something solid. And faith in god is more full of holes than an empty room!

R: i believe my personal account is solid enough for me

A: It IS a hole!

R: what do you need, A?

A: I need for Christianity to be shown for the absolute disgrace to the human condition that it is. I need it to be removed from my life. removed from EVERYone's lives, for their own sake. This goes for Islam, Hinduism, what-have-you.

R: now you're enforcing it upon everyone else what you think to be right, a lil contradictory, and if i might say so, hypocritical

A: At least I've formulated my opinions MYSELF, without some magical incantation-filled DOCUMENT written by some MYSTERIOUS INVISIBLE MAN IN THE SKY. It makes me ill.

R: hahah what self, what pride! just because i didn't come up with it myself means it's false! dude, i don't think that's the case

A: Okay, let me ask you this: how do you know your beliefs came from god? Just tell me that.

R: my. personal. experience. with. God. how i've seen him change lives, the some kind of unspeakable joy that i've NEVER felt before except for when i came before him, peace, healing (saw a wheelchair bound man walk, my grandma healed of cancer), so much, so much more.

A: WHAT?!! ALL of those things can be MUCH MORE RATIONALLY explained through science... why attribute them to god?! Why attribute your OWN PERSONAL JOY to something outside of you? You're saying you're not even capable of JOY without help! It's degrading and submissive. But then, that's the nature of Christianity: Submit yourself to God.

R: nonsense, i know the levels of joy that i've encountered. i'm a happy person, in general, but there's glee, and there's JOY.

A: All thanks to God! Without God, I'd be nothing! I can't have JOY without GOD!! I am weak! I am utterly helpless! But GOD helps me! THANK GOD.

R: hahahaa, we're not inept. but since i believe in God, we wouldn't be here if he didn't create, so technically, yes, we'd be nothing

A: How is that based in logic? It's not.

R: sure it is, i don't see any other rational explanation for a mind and soul, this crazed frenzy in sociological trends (money-maniacs, slimming pursuits) because of the need for a purpose in life/identity. and seeing how impossible creation was a result of probabilty.

A: So you're not intelligent enough to understand the way the universe works, therefore god exists. Brilliant.I think you've solved it.

R: hahah no, not THEREFORE

A: Ah, so one doesn't naturally follow?

R: ?

A: You're right, there: you can't understand the way the universe works. HOWEVER, this by NO MEANS implies divinity. It implies nothing than the fact that there are more complex things happening than yourself. That's all.

R: BINGO. higher entity.

A: NO. Higher REALITY.

R: hahah dude, suit yourself

A: REALITY has no purpose. ENTITY has a purpose. Purpose is a human definition.

R: current reality didn't come to be JUST because it did

A: Why not?

R: you tell me how it could, and maybe i'll believe you.
entity has a purpose, right, which is why i used the word

A: Exactly, which is why I say it's bull.

R: ok, so we agree to disagree

A: Nope. "you tell me how it could, and maybe i'll believe you" <-- what does that mean? Tell you how things came to be the way they are? R: sure, that'd be cool

A: Things are the way they are because they are the result of physical laws, which are inherent in all matter. They are the way they are because it is impossible for the universe to exist in any other respect. Basically, the universe EXISTS, and being that it EXISTS, it is EXSISTING in the only way that it can, because to EXIST in another state would mean it would BE something ELSE.

R: so how do you propose it came to be?

A: How do you know that at one time it didn't exist? If the universe is all of time and space, then there could not have been a time when it did not exist, because that would preclude the existence of time, a property of our universe. Therefore there WAS NO TIME when the universe did not exist.

R: sure,so how did time originate?

A: Define originate without time.
Originate assumes a progression through time, and like I said, there is no time outside of the universe.
The universe necessarily does not 'originate' anywhere, because it IS all origins, as it is all time.
Likewise, nothing can exist outside of the universe, because that would suggest space outside of the universe, which is a property of the universe, in itself defined as ALL OF SPACE.
Therefore nothing exists but the universe. So nothing could have existed 'before', which nullifies any claim to creation, and likewise nothing can exist 'outside' which nullifies any claim to god.

R: but the 2 'space's are used differently, the first being "space-time", the second being "volume". i believe in more than our physical human realm, and i believe in God. He's in another realm, one devoid of time constraints that we have

A: The definition of the universe inclues every aspect of being.
If you 'are', you are 'inside' the universe.
To 'exist' is to be a part of the universe. That's the whole point.
So if god exists, he must exist inside the universe. And if he is inside of the universe, then he must not be omnipotent.
Unless, and this is where I really like philosophy, he IS the universe.
IN WHICH CASE, we are all a part of him, and therefore have no free will, so it doesn't matter what you believe, because he is deciding what happens to you anyway. If this is the case, he makes all BAD things happen too, and therefore cannot be ALL GOOD.
and if he is not ALL GOOD, then why worship him?
What this all boils down to is an acceptance of the possibility that ANYTHING you see or think is WRONG, then it makes no sense to follow some potentially HIGHLY APOCRYPHAL TEACHINGS, because they are just as likely to be wrong as any other system of beliefs, and even have a BOATLOAD of detractions against them!

[subsequent to which my mom called and i excused myself, when i got back he was offline. i suppose this'll continue for a while yet]

from today's experience, i have learnt about what i've termed "kindergarden dynamics" in friendship.

it's all really quite basic: as kids, we instinctively make friends by trying to play with em, lego, firetrucks, my little ponies, carebears, eating gummies, whatever.
if we get a multiplied negative from a couple of encounters with our intended 'friend', we learn to back off. and with no hard feelings, we're all young and juvenile and immature, yeahhh.

same in madison.
no matter what we do, we can't please everyone, so let's just learn to be kindy-kids.

i've learnt a lot in the first week (rather, 2 days :] ) of school.

not necessarily in school, but in the activities surrounding school, no matter how peripheral, and hence my life in general :]

many things have unfolded in directions i'd never have dreamed possible, and other hopes quashed in quite the kachua-like fashion. :]

thank God for how my cell group's FINALLY going to start :] :] :] i've felt so long that Madison's a spiritually dry place, and i guess it didn't help that i let myself backslide into a torpor of errr, nothingness.

i didn't try hard enough to upkeep my faith, and so the if-you-don't-progress-you-regress rule came into effect. i suppose it was just easier not defending my faith; gosh, now that i come to think about it more, i practically jumped over the deep end (if-you-can't-beat-em,-join-em).

anyway, thank God for the rescue.
whoohooo!
my buff lifeguard from heaven swoopin' down. :]

back to cell group: i don't know what we're gonna call it yet, nor have we finalized the day and time for cell coz we haven't had a full week of school to check out our timetables and workloads yet, but YAAAAAAAAYY for God here. :]
i've felt this burning on my heart for such a long time it's just pure, viscous JUBILANCE pouring out of me thinking about it. :]
mmmm it's gonna start as a small group of 7 (Shawn, See Howe, Jen, Rose, Josephine, Ephraim and myself) so it's nice and tight. we'll invite more people in when we're more stable. :]

I guess I'm closest to Josephine (Jo), and I'm praying that as people with the same heavenly lifeline we'll grow each other in faith. PLUS, we'll go back to working in EDB together. Shawn too, eventually, coz he's going to be with a private company when we go back, then come back to EDB after his private-corporation stint.


I learnt something really poignant at our pre-cell meeting, sidetracked to talking about how God's a God of blessing, and not of vindication, as many people think (and our Asian culture perpetuates).

and it's NOT God's intention to make anyone suffer; no, he's not the cause of ANY suffering--suffering is man's choice and intent. we're the bitchy ones. what more can i say?

God's just, but NOT vindictive.
He calls all, but some reject Him. that's the free will that we've got.


friendships-wise here, i'm not all contented coz i know all my true friends are back home (everyone say awwwwww hahaha, but no, seriously, ya'll're).
was just talking to sarah about who we'd call out if we wanted to go out for dinner, and i just couldn't think of ANYONE i knew who'd go out of their way to make time for me.
it's scary, really.

haha this is my sublimal message to tell you guys i miss you. :]


still am tossing with the idea of joining the UW Gospel Choir, actually.
i have WAAAY too many commitments this semester.
it's incredible.
if i stick with what i'm doing, save for a small amount of tweaking, these are the number of papers i have to write this semester:

1. Advanced Organic Chemistry honors paper

2. Introductory Zoology research paper

3. Bioethics (Body Modification) papers--5 short papers, 1 looooooooooong paper (20-25 pages)

4. Biochem honors report--10, reports on talks i have to attend

5. Independent study thesis

THESE ON TOP OF COURSEWORK.
argh.

well, i'm trying to see if i can combine 2+5, and hopefully 3+5 haha.
this all might fall through, and THEN i'm dead.

praypraypray.

honestly, though, writing it all down makes it look reasonably more manageable. :]

(and hey, jac, or anyone else, how do you put a link to other people's blogs here??)

staying happy in madison, or trying to, at least. :]
love, rach.